Memories
by deafening
Summary: [AxC]Painful memories resurface when Athrun's daughter asks why her mother isn't with them anymore.


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Memories 

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Five-year-old curious and blunt Lenore Zala could have been Cagalli Yula Attha-Zala's identical twin, even though she had inherited my skill of mechanics, and had her genes modified at birth.

She wasn't afraid of anything, my girl. She would plunge into ice-cold waters to save her toy dog, and wouldn't even have the grace to apologize for scaring the hell out of me.

She was curious—And that wasn't a good curious either. It wasn't, "Do you love me, Papa? Because I love you…" It was strange, weird curious. Rambling, almost. It would be about odd topics, and heaven only knew where she came up with them. There was that time she'd wanted to know about where babies came from…

She was stubborn. She hadn't let go off my leg until I actually told her where babies came from and the whole-bloody-darned process.

She was, again, an exact Cagalli.

But I wouldn't change her for the world.

-

"Daddy?"

I looked down at a blonde head, and ruffled the blonde making it stand up exactly the way Lenore hated it.

I grinned at her cheekily while she glared at me, and innocently asked what she wanted before she got mad. That was Lenore; no patience whatsoever.

I sat her up against the wide arrangement of pillows on her bed, and pulled up a chair close, sitting down beside her. I waited for her to stop combing through her hair to make it lie flat, because being the child she was, she couldn't focus on two things at once.

She finally succeeded, and looked at me triumphantly, sticking her tongue out at me, and then laughing.

I laughed with her before repeating my question. She asked me to read her a story and asked me to sit with her until she fell asleep. I don't know why she bothered. She knew I did it anyways.

It was nice being needed, though.

-

Tuesday

Tuesdays were always the busiest day of the week. There were more files, more meetings and more work added on to Monday's pile, which almost never got finished, because in all honesty---Who really worked on Mondays?

I drove home quickly, a big smile on my face, longing to see Lenore and what she'd done in school.

I would admit it happily: I was addicted to my girl.

But boy, was I not expecting what would happen when I got home.

-

Lenore Zala, detective extraordinaire. First, it was where babies came from, and now…this.

She repeated her question.

"Why isn't Mommy here?"

-

I sat down beside Lenore, and watched her play with her toys. Suddenly, she stopped playing, and crawled towards me.

That surprised me. She never stopped playing unless she was asked over and over—until I begged it of her, if you will; but she stopped. She sat down on the floor next to me, cross-legged, and leaned against my arm, just like she used to when she was a toddler.

"Daddy?"

I looked down at her small frame beside me, and put my arm around her shoulder. We leaned back against the wall, just sitting and not talking. Finally, she asked me the question I had been dreading for so long.

"Daddy, why isn't Mommy here?"

-

Memories of events I'd tried to repress for so long, came flooding back to me as though they happened yesterday; Junius 7's destruction; the first war: losing my parents, Nicol, Miguel, and Rusty; the second war: Shinn…Jona; the third war: the new GUNDAMs… Those evil machines that could have destroyed seven Junius 7's in one blow had been powerful; too powerful to even be manufactured.

It wasn't ZAFT whom ORB had gone into war with. Oh no; me being elected Chairman of the Supreme Council ensured that there would never ever be any more war for ZAFT ever again. The Blue Cosmos…They had started the war in hopes for destroying Coordinators everywhere, and destroying ORB was like destroying the only refuge the Coordinators would have. Heaven only knows how they manufactured…hell, thought of the blueprints. _ZAFT_ hadn't even thought of it, and that was saying something. The Blue Cosmos had ruined everything.

After the second war, Cagalli and I had waited a while, waited for everything to settle down…and then decided to marry and start a family.

ZAFT and ORB had forged an alliance and so we thought that everything was over. There would be peace; no more fighting, no more bloodshed.

We were not at all expecting the third war.

-

Cagalli Yula Attha became Cagalli Yula Attha-Zala on June 21st, in a church filled with friends and colleagues. Four months later, we learned that Cagalli was pregnant.

Lenore was born on January 21st, being a month too early. She was a strong girl, though, and so the doctor had said she would survive. Cagalli and I had planned on making our first child a Coordinator. Two weeks later, Lenore's genes were enhanced, and she was officially a Coordinator.

There hadn't been a thing I regretted.

-

A year later, the third war started.

And then everything went wrong.

-

Lenore was two when Cagalli died. Her bodyguard hadn't jumped in time to stop the bullet that had been aimed for her. Kisaka had rushed her to the hospital, but it had been too late.

Cagalli had already died.

-

I returned to reality when Lenore shook me rather forcefully. "Daddy? Mommy loved us, right?"

I turned to look at Lenore so fast that the crack in my neck could have been heard, and violently nodded. "Your Mom—She loved us very, very much. Don't you ever forget that. She…" I shook my head, trying to sort out and clear up my thoughts. I shook my head again, and told Lenore that I would tell her everything tomorrow.

_But how? _

-

I drove home the next day trying to prepare a conversation on how I would tell Lenore. '_Your Mommy loved you very much, and she...'_ Okay, no. I sighed. This was not going to be easy, but as long as I was mentally prepared, I would be okay.

Right?

As soon as I reached home, Lenore grabbed onto my leg, and wouldn't let go until I _literally_ pulled her off. Then, she wouldn't let go off my arm, until I stripped her off from there, and placed her five feet away from me. She latched onto my leg again, and my patience finally grew thin.

"Lenore Zala, you stop this madness right now. What's gotten into you?" I asked wearily.

She started crying.

Mental preparation?

My ass.

I peeled her off my leg again and hugged her, patting her head occasionally, and holding her until she stopped. After a while, the sobs subsided, and I picked Lenore up, and carried her to her room. I sat down on her bed against the pillows, and placed her on my lap. She leaned against me, quiet now, and we just sat there.

Finally, I started talking.

-

"Your mother…She was the bravest, strongest woman I knew. She was pretty, courageous, caring, and exactly like you," I said, tweaking Lenore's nose affectionately. She laughed quietly. "Was she smart like me?" she asked.

I chuckled. "Sometimes," I said, giving her a wan smile. "Your Mommy loved us both very much. She told us that all the time. Your Mom…" I stopped at a loss of words. I saw her eyes on me, listening to everything I was saying, and suddenly I was nervous.

"Your Mommy died because…some people didn't like her. They were…bad people. They didn't like it if others were different."

"Am I different?"

"Everyone's different. But some people are more different than others. You know Aunt Miriallia?" she nodded, and I continued. "She's different than you and me. She's a Natural. But you still like her. And Uncle Kisaka? He's different than us. He's a different _colour_. But you still like him."

Lenore laughed. "Uncle Kisaka's funny. He told me that you and Mommy used to kiss a lot. That's not true, is it?" she asked anxiously, grabbing on to my sleeve. "You didn't, right? Kissing's nice, but all the time…it's yucky!"

"Of course we didn't…But I'm glad you think kissing's okay sometimes. Because if you didn't, I wouldn't get to kiss you, would I?" I asked, pecking her on the cheek, and grinning fondly at her. '_And really, we didn't kiss _that_ much. We were just caught placing our lips on each others' one too many times in front of Kisaka.' _

I continued with my story. "But I was telling you about the bad guys. These guys didn't like people who were different. They thought everyone should be the same.

"Your Mommy didn't like that idea, and she let everyone know that. So one day, when she was coming home, they took out a gun, and shot her," I said, demonstrating with my fingers. She quickly stopped me, as though the actions would come alive.

"They killed her?"

"Yes."

"Did they know she had a daughter and a family and me?"

"I don't know if they did." '_Or if she had another baby in her,'_ I thought, thinking of the child we had lost. No one had known except for Cagalli, Lacus, and me. Perhaps it had been best that way. Separately though, I'd requested a tombstone erected for our child…in honour of all children lost during the war.

There was a moment of silence in the room before Lenore sighed, and quietly muttered something into my shirt. I had to ask her to repeat it, and she did.

"I wished Mommy hadn't died."

"I wish she hadn't either." I kissed the top of her head. "But we don't always get what we want."

"People shouldn't kill." She paused, as though sorting out her thoughts. "Are you sad?"

I thought about that. Was I?

I thought about everyone I'd lost: the original Lenore Zala, my mother; Patrick Zala, my father; Nicol, Rusty and Miguel…

But I had my daughter. I had Lenore. I had friends who supported me. I had a good job and a good house and a good life. And maybe that wasn't everything I _wanted_, that was everything I _needed_.

So was I really sad?

"I'm… I don't think I'm _sad, _Lenore. I do wish that you Mom was still here with us, but I'm not sad. I've got you."

"Good. Its not good to be sad," she said, with all the wisdom a five-year-old can manage.

"Really?" I asked, wanting to hear what else she would say. She was quiet though, with the exception of nodding into my shirt. She yawned sleepily, and I looked at the clock guiltily.

I kissed her forehead hurriedly, tucked her half-sleeping self into her bed, stood up, and stretched. "I love you," I whispered.

She heard me and muttered a sleepy 'Love You' back.

I smiled. Kids; can't live without them. Period.

-

After I put Lenore to sleep, I sat in the kitchen, my hands cradling a cup of hot chocolate.

And I sat there, and thought about the things I've had. Everything I could have had. But Lacus was right. Those who die have no future. They can no longer protect themselves, or the ones they fight for. Then someone else comes along, and you try to live again as a whole. Fact is we don't know anything until we've actually experienced it our self. Life changes by the minute. What I do know for sure, though, is that I love my daughter, and will always love her, no matter that the stars will burn away to ash. And though I won't be issued experience along with my baby's birth certificate, I'll learn a lot.

I remember how to laugh. I remember that someone out there is watching over my daughter and I.

I remember how to laugh.

And no one can take that from me. Ever.

-

___Gundam Seed/Destiny © Sunrise, Mitsuo Fukuda, Yoshiyuki Tomino, etc._

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End file.
